I would like some feedback on this sonnet; I had to rewrite it in half-rhyme from an original written for Derek Walcott’s class. He made us do the writing exercise “Letters From Crusoe” wherein you write something about being Crusoe and being stuck on an island. I chose to make it an internal struggle fuelled by the outer conditions. Anyway, if you have a chance to compare the two so I know if the half-rhyme one works, that’d be great.
Sonnet 1 (half-rhyme)
Crusoe walked the cove and prayed on his troubles; he and God were locked in a faithless combat. Starving, he watched how the land crabs scuttled across the arid land and began to build a trap. He gathered driftwood and lashings made from plaited grasses, plaited at night in darkness deep enough to hide his hands. When the sun rose he rose too and soon the trap was set. He spent a day and night in wait, and when he found the trap empty, he broke out and cursed God most wholly. The hellish heat of noon convinced Crusoe that Hell could be no worse. He dreamt he walked to where palm trees shaded the moonlit cove where tonight God waited.
Sonnet 1 (original)
Crusoe walked the cove and thought about God’s first loved creatures alive under the waves. In his mind he pictured how fast a crab Moves across the land; he began to build a trap. He gathered driftwood and lashings made from Plaited grasses, plaited at night in darkness Deep enough to hide his hands and relied on Motions learned in day. He found a spot in Which to lay his trap. After a day of Waiting he found the trap empty, cursed at God and walked away. Hot sand gave him visions Of Hell and a fear he is beyond God’s grace. Crusoe dreamt his island was plaited driftwood, And walked moonlit to the cove where God waited.