Hi. I’m a rugged as fuck Canadian burly man. I was taught how to survive in the woods for indefinite intervals. Here are a bunch of tips for enjoying the wonderland that is Canadian nature.
You’re probably going to encounter 5 or 6 bears a day if you leave your house. Canada has roving gangs of warring bear species, including grizzlies, brown bears, polar bears, and in southern regions, Latin Kings. They’re all ferocious but each can be disarmed the same way because they’re all big fat party animals. They don’t know when to chill the fuck out and they’re constantly seeking approval of their party-hardy nature. When you see one of these guys, start laughing at their antics and making that house music sound with your mouth. Once you’ve got a good rhythm going they’ll carry on dancing so you can get out your camera. They’re going to mug for a shot, going so far as to borrow some of those plastic black and neon pink sunglasses to look “cool.” Take a few shots (you know how phone cameras go, so blurry sometimes!) and get the bear to help you pick one where he looks like he’s having the best time. Enhance it, use the Lo-Fi filter (it screams party) and send it out to your friends, making sure to tag the bear in the comments. When he goes to check his phone you can sneak away to Denny’s and ignore his texts for the rest of the night.
Canoe Use & Safety
Bring a gun and a snack. Now shoot your canoe and stay on land. Because fuck that shit. Seriously. With Netflix and Nespresso™ why would you go outdoors? Your ancestors destroyed the ecosystem by chopping down trees and draining swamps. They did all the outdoors stuff so you could be a soft, intellectual interior-dwelling pop culture junky. They’d take one look at Glee and axe you in the forehead. You’re weak so stay away from anything that requires the use of your texting arm.
Hiking & Trails
Everything from canoes applies here, but obviously you’re determined to make yourself miserable. Are you trying to impress one of those people from OK Cupid who has a million pictures of themselves doing things like riding a bike or standing on top of a mountain? You can blink twice if it’s “yes.” Yeah, I thought so. You should totally lower your standards a bit (not your fault, it’s society that makes you value certain aesthetics) and date someone who looks like they watch a lot of TV. They won’t make you do anything that requires a special kind of boot to keep you from getting shin splints. Then together you can spend hours deciding what to watch on Netflix and maybe order a pizza and drink some quality Nespresso™ beverages while it’s being delivered. Isn’t that romantic? And when some hikers die in a mudslide you can laugh at them with someone else who knows what’s important in life.
If you DO find yourself outside don’t panic: make sure you’ve got some sunscreen on that pasty skin. Can not stress this enough; between winter’s short days, your office job with its new LED lighting, and the sedentary lifestyle that comes from staying inside and watching Netflix while drinking delicious Nespresso™ products you’re unprepared for sunlight. Next, make sure your iPad has a full charge and its brightness is turned up. Just because you’re outside and walking doesn’t mean you can’t be watching the new season of Bob’s Burgers. Just take it slow and use your peripheral vision. Bring water, or if you think you’re fucking fancy, Vitamin Water. Seriously, it’s just a marketing gimmick but I guess if you’re the demographic that thinks Subway is food you deserve it. Oh yeah, bring snacks. There are very few Subways on hiking trails and the ones there are don’t have the greatest ratings on Yelp!.
NOTE: If the person who invited you for a hike is holding a walking stick or has a tiny shovel strapped to their knapsack ABORT MISSION. They’re taking you somewhere isolated to do something very bad to you.
Skating, Ice, Etc.
You think you’re resilient. You think you’re graceful. You think it’s going to be like the Peanuts gang at the beginning of the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Well, I hope you enjoy bruising your tailbone and being hospitalized for concussions. Have you seen ER waiting rooms in Canada? That’s what socialized healthcare gets: hours in a glorified hell hole. And to think that this is what Barack HUSSEIN Obama wants for Americans. Why did they even let him run for President? It wouldn’t be necessary if people would just stop being poor. Damn minorit–oh hey, what were we talking about… Oh yeah, skating. Here’s a general principle for life: if it takes special shoes to do it, stay the fuck home. There’s probably a YouTube video on lacing up your skates, so watch that on your iPad and then come back to the next part. Maybe bring a Nespresso™ coffee product in a thermal mug because it’s cold out. OK. Are you ready? Get out there and stand on the ice. Feel that pull in your thighs? It’s going to feel like they’re made out of fire tomorrow. Those muscles never get a workout for a reason: they’re directly linked to pain nodes in your brain. Anyway, you’re here now. Kind of dig one toe in the ice and push forward. No, you’re doing it wrong. Try and glide. What … OK, fine, close enough. Now keep doing that. There you go. Feel good now? Yeah, turn around. You have to get back there at some point. Bet you wish you’d brought a snack. Oh look, new episodes of ‘Community’ on Netflix. It’s a shame what’s been going on behind the scenes. I mean, I’m not that sad about Pierce, but Dan Harmon and Starburns, man… what, you didn’t know Starburns was a writer? Ugh. You deserve to be skating.
There you go. You’re ready for a Canadian wilderness adventure, but really, this tone is condescending for a reason. Nature is evil and is being rightfully destroyed for corporate gain. Speaking of which, your fair trade coffee tastes like fruit juice. Drink coffee that tastes like real coffee, get yourself a Nespresso™ coffee capsule system.